Change, Change, and More Change

Change. The thing we want to run from, but never seem to get enough of a head start. The most silent, yet debilitating part of grief; the wound creator.

I have never liked the aspects of the 6-letter word. We’re all fed the bullshit: without change, there is no growth. And that’s true, in a sense. Of course we as humans cannot evolve if our roots are solely planted in one place. And I know that. Believe me. But sometimes I don’t want to be forced to better myself simply because the universe dealt me a hand I cannot return.

It has been a really tough few weeks, especially during the Holidays. No celebrations with my father, no gifts from mom and dad, no jokes shared around the dinner table. It is a change I have learned to accept. Not because I wanted to, but because I don’t have the energy to force my mind to seek something other than the truth. My father is gone. He isn’t coming home. I got 14 1/2 years and that’s it. There isn’t a time machine I can build with my own two hands to take me back to that horrible Tuesday.

But not every change is as easy or easier to come to terms with. And you know what? That is damn well okay.

I don’t want to sell my family’s Florida Condo. I just don’t. It sucks. I love the view, I love the memories, I love the familiarity of it all. I don’t have a whole enough heart to say goodbye.

I’m not ready, but then again I probably won’t ever be. And the thing about memories is they have more than one special place. And they don’t leave you simply because you closed a chapter.

I will always hold dearly the moments and fun times that my family and I have shared. But it’s time to make some new ones. It’s time to rewrite a new chapter. And as a writer myself, I can tell you that chapters can don similar settings and similar plots. I’m not leaving my building behind or the memories that I took with it; I am closing the door to allow a new one to open. And no, it isn’t going to be the exact same. But no one ever writes a book with identical chapters. Where’s the fun in that?

Change is never going to be something that I welcome with open arms. We’re not gonna be friends. I don’t like change and change doesn’t like me, but if we are going to continue running into each other than I’ve got to learn how to deal with it.

Loss creates the biggest change, an overwhelming change, usually in a short span of time. We don’t know how to deal with it because too many things happen at once. I’m in that period of my life right now and my best advice is this: find a silver lining in new possibilities. Recognize that good can come from all different walks of life. But allow yourself to process your emotions. Don’t stuff them down because you’re too ashamed to admit that you aren’t feeling 100%. Hell, I’m not.

Life is really damn taxing somedays. It’s a big ole’ clusterfuck of ‘oh yeahs’ and ‘oh shits.’ But don’t lose the good in the unwanted. You never know what may surprise you.