I wish, I wish, I wish

“There is a difference between goodbye and letting go. Goodbye is ‘I’ll see you again when I’m ready to hold your hand & when you’re ready to hold mine.’ Letting go is ‘I’ll miss your hand. I realized it’s not mine to hold and I will never hold it again…’” -Unknown

I felt a tear trickle from the lid of my eye and slide down my cheek. It reached the bottom of my lip and so I licked it away, hoping that it wasn’t so evident just how sad I was.

And how sad I’ve been.

I closed my eyes, and in my mind, I pictured him. Took a photo that had been engrained in my memory and put it at the forefront. I retrieved his laugh and cackle, feeling my heart break as I realized that we never got to grow older together like I always thought we would. Forever 14 1/2 and 43.

Not enough time. Not enough memories. Not enough moments. I tell myself that I got all that I could ever want; I like to try and make myself feel better. But you cannot place a bandaid on a bullet wound that never stops bleeding.

These past few days have truly brought me back to the beginning. The pinnacle first days that felt so much like hell on earth. The days where I walked around like I was all put together, and then fell apart on my bathroom floor. Begging for it all to be over. Begging for the pain to leave me and never return.

Heaven didn’t sound all that bad in the beginning. At least, not when you feel like you’re in hell.

It just feels like my family has hit a point in life where certain changes are inevitable. Selling the Florida Condo, selling his car, selling the home. Maybe not right this moment, but in the future. We are shifting from places with a touch of dad to places he will never know. No one talks about how petrifying and heartbreaking that is. It’s like you lose your person all over again.

I know my father is part of me, living in my heart and in my blood. There isn’t a day where his name doesn’t exit my lips. Where I don’t wonder what if he would’ve done or said. Not once have I ever forgotten who my father was.

But that doesn’t mean that I feel ready to let him go. I’m not. I am not ready to give up that piece of me and I know no one is asking me to, but still. My father was my best friend in the entire world. He was my person.

And I don’t get to have my person anymore.

Big changes are coming in 2023, a lot of which I can’t wait for (George Washington University, baby!), but a lot I wish could just stay put. For a little longer so I can gather my thoughts and figure out how not to lose myself in my own grief.

But I guess the higher powers are right when they say, “such is life.” Such is life. We don’t have to like it or accept it or even want it. But life was never designed to be these perfect puzzles with all the most perfect of pieces. Just ask the people from the 1700’s. Or my mother. They didn’t even have the internet🤪🤣

3 thoughts on “I wish, I wish, I wish

  1. I read your beautifully written post- it pulls and tugs at me and I only know you and your family through Tara. You express yourself with such rawness- I hope you will keep writing. Hopefully, time and your writing will bring you from a place of hurt to a place of peace. Wishing you peace and love in 2023.

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  2. Oh my sweet, sweet Dylan. You have expressed so poignantly and beautifully that which is tearing me to pieces. We have to move on but each day that passes hasn’t brought any peace. I will never let go. We have to keep all the memories alive by talking about Dad and recalling all that he brought to the world. His intellect and his incredible sense of humor. His greatest achievement was bringing you and Alexa to this world. You both are his legacy and I know he is so proud of you both and is with you every step of the way. Keep shining my talented girl. I can’t wait to see you soar. Love you. Bubs

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