Birthdays In Heaven

About 30 minutes ago, I went on TikTok and decided to participate in some trend where a filter “predicts” what your 2024 is going to look like. The first emoji that flipped around for me was the jagged heart split into two equal halves.

If they switched out that 4 for a 3, they would have been spot on.

I am currently hiding away in my bathroom, the tears that have formed in my eyes taking turns falling onto my cheeks. I turned on the air so that no one can hear me because, the truth is, I’m not in the mood to fall apart into someone else’s arms. At least, when I fall into my own, I don’t have to worry that my mother isn’t going to sleep that night and my sister isn’t going to go ahead and shed some tears herself.

I forgot what it’s like to celebrate someone’s birthday when they aren’t actually present to blow out their own candles. To sing a happy song to your loved one’s ghost and pray their spirit decided to show up for it.

Five birthdays of his have gone by where he hasn’t been here. So have 5 Thanksgivings and Chanukahs, but who’s counting? And each time I put on a brave face because it’s either that or drowning and I don’t really feel like swimming.

A lot has changed these past 4 years. Some good, some bad, and some a bit of both. Things have taken place that I never wanted to. People have come into my life and stepped into roles I wish never existed. I have had to expand my heart and that doesn’t come easy for a person who doesn’t like change. I’ve had to grow up or watch someone I love not be able to move forward in her life.

This part of the year always hurts. Since October, it has been anniversaries and holidays and special milestones that he isn’t a part of. Add in the little things too, like the funny stories and moments I’d love to tell him and I’m pretty much geared up to come apart in pieces.

With grief, you can look at it through multiple lenses and approach it all different ways. You can choose to see it as your greatest strength or your greatest heartbreak. I choose to view it as a mix of the two.

Look, I know I’ll be okay. I’ve done this before and I’m still standing, so I know this isn’t it. But that doesn’t take away from the pain or the watery eyes that stare at back at you in the mirror and make you go why me? Why did god have to turn me into his next strongest soldier?

No one is ever cut out for a life like this. You just become accustomed to it because there’s no changing it. We have self-driving cars and can have an essay written in under 2 seconds, but we haven’t quite mastered time travel or bringing someone back from the dead, so this is how it has to be.

For those experiencing something similar, I get it. I do. I don’t have to imagine walking in your shoes because I’ve got my own pair that look just like them. And since they’ve come, I’ve been fantasizing about giving them back. I just don’t have a return address:)

Someday soon, we will all be together if the fates allow. Until then, we’ll have to muddle through somehow.

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Happy Birthday, Dad. May heaven continue to throw you all the parties up there until I can join you for them. I love and miss you more each and every day❤️❤️