The “Ugly” Side

Why did you forget about me?

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I’ve never been one to hold a grudge. If anything, I am too much of pacifist to resent the people who have caused me harm. I don’t enjoy dwelling on the moments that have hurt me; I don’t want my feet to always be planted where they will wobble. I like to be happy.

I saw a tik tok, however, that really spoke to the ugly sides of grief and that is keeping track of the people who haven’t been there for you in the ways in which you would have wanted. We all have those people who should have stepped up, but instead they blended into the shadows. Or the people who said the wrong thing, even if maybe it was just incorrect at that the time.

I have punished a lot of individuals and held on to a hatred that has only wound up destroying what little happiness I may have had left. The other person probably has no idea how angry their lack of support during the time where I needed it the most really made me. They don’t know how often their missing presence affected my day-to-day.

While I do agree that it is best to focus on the people who have been there for you, it doesn’t mean we cannot give thought to those who haven’t. Grief is a journey, as we all know, and with that comes reflection. It is part of the process.

The truth is, everyone deals with their pain in a way that brings as much comfort as heartbreak possibly can. That is not an excuse, but a potential thought to have when we feel like blaming people for their absence. It doesn’t change how little they held your hand or wiped a tear. Hell, it’s not even for them. It’s for your peace and sanity.

Almost 4 years later, I still have resentment that I wish I didn’t. I can still name names of those who loved my father, but it didn’t feel like they loved him enough to be there for me. And it sucks, really, to watch people leave.

When my father passed, I felt like I had lost everything. Loneliness and suffering became my two greatest companions, both of whom took me to some dark and scary places I hope to never revisit. And yet, I still kept losing.

Sometimes I find myself only allowing myself to accept the blessings that came from the sadness and not the misfortunes. “Oh, it doesn’t matter that Sally hasn’t called or texted in 3 years because Marty does.” Or, “who cares about Denise no longer being a part of your life? She was also grieving the loss of your dad.”

I get the idea to always try and seek out those silver linings. But we also have a right to validate our animosity and malice. Those two things can co-exist.

Just remember you can feel each and every feeling because they are normal. If one day, you don’t want to give credit to the people who picked you up off the floor and instead you want to wallow over the ones who left you bleeding on the ground, go for it. We are allowed to be negative somedays. Last I checked, grief wasn’t a synonym for positive.

Show up for people. Offer what you can. Be unselfish. Love people when they need it, even when you feel they don’t deserve it. Be a healer. Be kind. Show up for people. Because when you’re hurting you’ll want someone to show up for you.

Alex Elle

Maybe sometimes people did not actually change. Maybe you just never knew who they really were.

Unknown

Sometimes it’s not the people who change, it’s the mask that falls off.

Unknown

Seeing people change isn’t what hurts. What hurts is remembering who they used to be.

Unknown

People grow. People change. And some people fade away.

K Azizian