What You Don’t See

Disclaimer: I am doing much better now. This was written when I wasn’t.

I didn’t sleep last night. I mean, I could’ve if I really tried, but the minute my screen turned later than 3:30, I knew it wasn’t happening. Never mind the fact that was my room was a million degrees and I’ve been told not to wrestle with the nest; I should crack a window. But at almost 4 in the morning, who is cracking a window?

I tried the whole sleep without a blanket or sleep on top of the duvet, but even if the temperature became comfortable, my mind was in a state that didn’t allow for peace and calm to take over. My mind was flooded with frightening thoughts and horrible images. You ever imagine what it’s like to go to prison? I probably convince myself I’m headed there several times a week even though there is no basis. Maybe even several times a day if the meds are slacking.

This is the side of OCD that no one talks about. Not the overly clean, overly neat, overly organized side, but the mortifying, exhausting, and anxiety-inducing side. The side that makes you think you’re the worst person in the world, destined for failure, when you haven’t done anything wrong.

Having OCD is not a quirk. It isn’t a personality trait. There is nothing cute about tricking your mind and freaking yourself out solely because you feel like life’s been going too well lately. I’ve experienced that before. No panic attacks for a bit so my mind tries to make something up to fill the gaps.

When I see people make jokes, I just bite my tongue and act like I don’t hear anything. I guess in some ways it’s easier than having to explain the complexity of my thoughts. But there’s always a small part of me that wishes I had the courage to say something.

People have been telling me for years that they would like to live in my head for a day, but the truth is you don’t. If you lived in my head like I do, you’d feel trapped and suffocated and afraid. You’d feel like your world was bound to crumble at any second and you’re just waiting for it to crash and burn. I would love to escape my own head. On a night like last, I wish I was anywhere but.

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a scary thing to live with because your mind and your body go against each other. The truth gets distorted. The lines get blurred. You know the facts deep down, but there is still that level of doubt.

This disorder isn’t talked about enough. And when it is, only a small percentage of people’s symptoms come into play. I’m a slob. I couldn’t care less if my clothes were folded properly or if my perfume bottles were lined up perfectly. But if you were to ask me how often I fixate on something until it is the only thing I can think about, I’d tell you the answer is all the time.

We need to start having these types of conversations, even if they’re uncomfortable. People deserve to be seen and heard and understood. I don’t have many people who think the way I do and to the outside, I sound irrational. And maybe even a little crazy. But I can’t help it. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Free way, if you have any, to ask questions. I am always trying to educate those who are curious. I am an open book (to an extent) because I still value my privacy. But my role is to be a voice for those who may not be able to put the words together.

I promise we will get through this together.

We Got This💜