I Feel Nothing

Didn’t think I would be back here so quickly.

But here I am. Struggling. Hurting. Watching myself fade. Crying. Not sleeping. Laying awake, wondering, “why me, Universe? What have I done to you now?”

I am angry. And I am broken. But more than anything, I am so tired.

For the past 6 months, I have been very physically sick. I developed a severe case of asthma, which was discovered after I had gotten in the car to leave a concert and found myself unable to breathe. Then, a few months later, I was in Urgent Care for three hours after the pacer test left me coughing uncontrollably.

When Spring came around, I was sick nearly every day. Then, my body would give me a few day break, before I got sick once again. I would get congested, develop an ugly, dry cough, I would wheeze, become short of breath, and my throat would bother me.

I was in my Pulmonoglist’s office weekly, and put on steroids regularly over a short span of time. I would feel a little better, but it was all a temporary fix.

I tried telling myself that I could live like this. That I could deal with the multiple inhalers and runny noses and the asthma attacks. But the truth is, I was just trying to keep myself from going down a dark path again.

A few days ago, I started having outbursts at random times. If I was angry, I broke down. If I felt like I was being yelled at, I broke down. If I accidentally spilled ketchup on my shirt, I broke down. And for someone who normally isn’t that emotional, this was odd.

“We’re getting to the bottom of this,” my mother said.

“But we aren’t,” I screamed, “because until those shots are here and one of them is in my arm, I don’t believe that I will get better.”

I lost hope. Even with a solution in play, I no longer felt anything. Some would say I felt nothing.

My body has been through so much. The universe has hurt it, I have hurt it, this sickness has hurt it.

I don’t want to do it anymore. But I’m trying. I am trying to find some shred of hope that I can hold close.

Life is really, really tough. And just because we cannot see someone’s struggles does not mean they they aren’t in pain.

I don’t know why the universe seems to be torturing me. It isn’t fair. It is unjustifiable. But I am doing my best not to unravel to a point where my hands won’t be able to put myself back together.

3 thoughts on “I Feel Nothing

  1. I just want to say a few things. I admire you SO MUCH. You’ve been through a lot. I used to say the same thing when I was younger. Why do I get every virus, why am I always sick. Why did my dad have the drinking problem. Why why why me ? I learned much later that LIFE. Goes in cycles. You are a strong girl who made it thru so much already. It’s going to get better. And everyone is carrying around something that is “ why me”. Because this is a part of life. But life has SO MUCH GOOD for you to look forward to. You’re young and you have such a good head on your shoulders. When you’re down it’s ok to feel it. Just know that it’s temporary!! Look for the good in each day. Breathe deep !! Pick something each day that makes you smile!! The sun shining or your favorite food!!! This is a tough time. But tough times don’t last. Tough people do !! Please know that you are admired and loved and you got this. 🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺❤️🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

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  2. Hey Dylan 🙂

    I really have a strong urge to respond, so even though I don’t really know what to say, I will say this (which just occurred to me now, in this moment):

    There are many people who practice meditation a lot, and try very hard to reach a point at which their minds feel empty. Isn’t it strange that you seem to be in a similar situation right now *without even trying*?

    Accepting is much easier said than done. Maybe (IDK, just guessing) it’s not a “one and done” thing. Maybe it has to be done over and over again, every day, time and time again. Maybe we will never reach nirvana. Maybe we will only be able to approach it, see it in the distance, like a mirage, from far away.

    🙂 Norbert

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  3. Hi Dylan – I am so sorry that you are experiencing so much pain and discomfort – on top of pain and discomfort. I can imagine that it can be very hard to keep it all in perspective, especially some days. Just wanted to note that I have been incredibly touched by your wisdom and perspective through these years. You have a gift for expressing yourself; it is really beautiful and bittersweet. Thank you for sharing your journey with so many and for being you.

    Reading Norbert’s comment reminds me of a phrase that I really love – psychologist Kelly Wilson talks about “a lifetime of gentle returns” (to what we most care about, to how we want to be, maybe to sounds in the moment or to the sensations of our breathing). Thinking of you and your family as you take it all one tiny step at a time…

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