Welcome Back, Feelings and Emotions

You think you have infinity with those you love. I mean, you know in the back of your mind that one day you’re gonna die and they’re gonna die, so you tell yourself you’re subcinously prepared for when the time comes. 

But then it happens. 

And quickly you realize you weren’t prepared for a damn thing…

I was so angry. So, so, angry. And I held onto that anger and hatred for a really long time. In fact, I spent many a night screaming at my window treatments until I bled my lungs dry, hoping he could hear me all the way from wherever the hell he was. 

I wanted him to feel every bit of my brokenness: the loathing that had infiltrated my heart. The rough nights spent longing for it all to be different. The tear-stained pillow cases, and the dried tracks on my cheeks in the morning. 

I thought I had the power and the ability to make him feel guilty for leaving our family behind. Fuck it, if he was really looking down on us like everyone kept telling me, might as well show him how horrible we were doing here on earth without him. 

It was ever consuming, those feelings. They kept me stuck in some weird, metaphorical cage, which shielded me from being able to enter a journey to healing. 

However, I think a part of me secretly enjoyed that. I could control the loathing. I could live in my own protective bubble of denial and despair. I was able to latch onto something that couldn’t be taken from me. 

And I needed that; to feel like I held onto the reigns of something. 

It’s funny what time can do; how it can change you. I used to believe I would never come to peace with his decision. That I would live in a perpetual state of vexation for the rest of my life. 

I also thought I would never let another person in. After all, I grew accustomed to keeping myself closed off and hardened, fearing that if I did break down my walls, they would think I was too much, or that I came with more baggage than they knew what to do with. Or they would simply just leave. 

But I think I’ve finally gotten to a place where I’m just not afraid of certain things anymore. For so long, I believed that accepting his choice meant leaving him behind, almost as if I equated his memory to his final breath. And I was terrified of even allowing the right people to see me. The real me. The one who has learned that she can be goofy and silly, and strong all at the same time, and doesn’t have to worry so often about whether or not she is enough. 

If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.

-Khat Hanh

Ultimately, we haven’t a single clue on who we’re gonna become when we have no choice but to be the toughest version of ourselves. Unfortunately, we don’t always get to watch a preview before we decide to hit play. 

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I just wanted to to thank you for taking the time to read my new post after a long hiatus. I hope you were able to find something that resonates with you, even just a little bit.

And, as always, remember that even in the darkest of times, You Got This💜