I guess I just want to know why. Why did he have to be taken from me? Why couldn’t the universe have spared that broken little boy any more pain?
These are the questions that always seem to replay in my mind, almost like a malfunctioning clock. Constantly haunting me and hurting me, desperate to one day bring my body back down to its knees.
There is a part of me, as I sit outside in my backyard doing everything in my power not to fall apart, that wishes I could live the rest of my years in a permanent state of numbness. But still, there is another part of me that revels in the unknown because it reminds me that I’m still human. That with everything I have been through, every shitty moment, every past night spent craving his presence, all those times I, too, wondered what it would be like to die, I haven’t lost my ability to feel.
It’s just that sometimes, sometimes I don’t want to, you know? I don’t want to spend everyday wishing he were here; wishing that time with him was infinite, and that the concept of ‘fleeting’ could cease to exist. I don’t want to always yearn for his company because that means I have to accept that grief is forever ingrained in my bones. Lingering in the back of my mind, and taking root in my heart’s jagged pieces.
Because right now, right now I am hurting so damn badly. The pain has officially reached me, which it has been trying to do these past couple of days. That’s one thing you learn the further you are in your journey: the inevitability of when your grief eventually catches up to your heart and you can no longer keep fighting it. It seems as though I have gotten there: the no-tears, tears battle. Hell, one just slid down my face.
Grief changes us. The pain sculpts us into someone who understands more deeply. Hurts more often. Appreciates more quickly. Cries more easily. Hopes more desperately.
In the end, life is messy and it’s unpredictable, and we aren’t always going to have the strength to keep ourselves from unraveling at the seams. And that’s ok. There is no need for self-judgement. Believe me, I have devoted so much of the last 6 years hating the fact that I can’t keep myself together 100% of the time. I equated grieving to weakness, and I know now that I shouldn’t have. Allowing yourself to sit in your pain and your heartache, despite the discomfort, and reflect on the hardships is one of the greatest assets a person can wield.
Unfortunately, we do not know what the future holds. And even if we did, there is no changing it. All we can do is embrace whatever it is when it comes around, even if it brings along sadness and despair. Because, even in the face of our deepest sorrows and most excruciating breaths, we will get through it. One deep inhale at a time❤️
We Got This 